TLDR; Great. Better every day. Learn how to know who you can trust.
Had to cut out my wife’s brother and sister-in-law (SIL) about 18 years ago. SIL was manipulative and controlling. Brother would mostly get bad news from SIL and lies about my wife and I.
For a long time we went along with it, until after several failed attempts for my wife and her brother to reconcile, I had to draw the line.
Wife came home shattered again because her brother did something hurtful when she had already accepted the blame for something SIL did.
Wife’s other sister called (who is actually a sane, intelligent, kind human being) accusing me of preventing my wife from being in contact with her brother. I calmly asked her if she really thought I was the kind of person that would (or could) stop my wife from talking to her own family. After a few angry moments she calmed down and I asked her “why did you think I would do that?”. Her answer: “SIL said you did.” I told her “Call my wife. Ask her if I ever told her she couldn’t talk to anyone.” Then I proceeded to tell her what her brother had done and SIL’s lies. Now she’s on my side.
SIL was blowing up my phone at work, and during my drive home. I know what she wants. I ignore her while I try to calm down, spoiler alert: it doesn’t help much.
I get home before my wife and I call SIL. We have words. Loud angry words. I tell her never to call again. Ever. Loudly and with finality.
Wife comes home towards end of the call. I’m literally shaking with pure rage, which I’ve never done before or since.
It took some time for my wife to really accept that as long as SIL is alive and married to her brother, she can’t have a relationship with him. He will always, always be SIL’s meat puppet.
I didn’t have to do anything beyond reminding her of their last meeting to prevent her from trying to reach out.
Wife has been better every day since we cut ties. If you, or anyone you know is connected to one of the toxic personalities, I implore you to learn how to know who you can trust.
If someone hurts you more than helps you, cut them loose. You don’t have to do it angrily or loudly like I did, but however you do it, know that life without those people is better than life with them.
It was hard at first, mainly because we didn’t know how to handle it. Ultimately we had to let everyone else know what we did and why. Easier said than done.
We told them we wouldn’t be coming to any event where they would be present and stuck to our decision. This was the hardest part. We also had to let them know we were okay with it if they still wanted to have a relationship with her brother and SIL, and ended up having our own separate get togethers with other family members.
Took some time to get everyone onboard. Once we did, others started seeing what her brother and SIL were doing.
Wife had to remind them not to mention her brother or SIL. Not to forward any messages and not to give them our phone numbers, email addresses or mailing address.
Looking back, it wasn’t apparent how bad things were when we were in the middle of it. Now I wish we had cut ties right after we were married.
In my opinion, no amount of family pressure to meet is worth exposing ourselves to the toxicity her brother and SIL could dish out.
Her family wasn’t there when my wife would cry at night after her brother did or said something hurtful. I was.
Her family didn’t work for weeks to cheer her up when her SIL lied to another family member causing an upset. I was.
At the end of the day, members of your family are either going to support you or tear you down. If they don’t support you, they are enemies.
It doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. You can win by simply withdrawing completely.
They win when they upset you. Your despair literally encourages them to continue upsetting you.
Don’t communicate. Don’t give in. But also, don’t hold a grudge. You can forgive someone without falling into the same trap that got you in a bad place.
You have a right to surround yourself with people who will support your goals.
Tell the family members that support you that you appreciate your support. Don’t let anyone make light of their actions.
It doesn’t matter if ‘they had a rough upbringing’ or ‘they have a hard life’. It’s not an excuse, and it’s not a reason to let them get away with it. Lots of people had a “rough upbringing” and a “hard life”, but they don’t tear others down to make themselves feel better. Family members who can’t see this may also be problematic to associate with, because they can’t see the problem.
If you can’t see the problem, you’re bound to contribute to it.
You get to choose who you spend your time with.
You might be related, but you don’t owe anyone control over you.
TLDR; Great. Better every day. Learn how to know who you can trust.
Had to cut out my wife’s brother and sister-in-law (SIL) about 18 years ago. SIL was manipulative and controlling. Brother would mostly get bad news from SIL and lies about my wife and I.
For a long time we went along with it, until after several failed attempts for my wife and her brother to reconcile, I had to draw the line.
Wife came home shattered again because her brother did something hurtful when she had already accepted the blame for something SIL did.
Wife’s other sister called (who is actually a sane, intelligent, kind human being) accusing me of preventing my wife from being in contact with her brother. I calmly asked her if she really thought I was the kind of person that would (or could) stop my wife from talking to her own family. After a few angry moments she calmed down and I asked her “why did you think I would do that?”. Her answer: “SIL said you did.” I told her “Call my wife. Ask her if I ever told her she couldn’t talk to anyone.” Then I proceeded to tell her what her brother had done and SIL’s lies. Now she’s on my side.
SIL was blowing up my phone at work, and during my drive home. I know what she wants. I ignore her while I try to calm down, spoiler alert: it doesn’t help much.
I get home before my wife and I call SIL. We have words. Loud angry words. I tell her never to call again. Ever. Loudly and with finality.
Wife comes home towards end of the call. I’m literally shaking with pure rage, which I’ve never done before or since.
It took some time for my wife to really accept that as long as SIL is alive and married to her brother, she can’t have a relationship with him. He will always, always be SIL’s meat puppet.
I didn’t have to do anything beyond reminding her of their last meeting to prevent her from trying to reach out.
Wife has been better every day since we cut ties. If you, or anyone you know is connected to one of the toxic personalities, I implore you to learn how to know who you can trust.
If someone hurts you more than helps you, cut them loose. You don’t have to do it angrily or loudly like I did, but however you do it, know that life without those people is better than life with them.
I just want to say thank you for taking up for your wife like that.
Appreciate the kind words. I suppose It’s not as common as it should be.
Wow. How do you ya’ll handle family get-to-gethers and holidays?
It was hard at first, mainly because we didn’t know how to handle it. Ultimately we had to let everyone else know what we did and why. Easier said than done.
We told them we wouldn’t be coming to any event where they would be present and stuck to our decision. This was the hardest part. We also had to let them know we were okay with it if they still wanted to have a relationship with her brother and SIL, and ended up having our own separate get togethers with other family members.
Took some time to get everyone onboard. Once we did, others started seeing what her brother and SIL were doing.
Wife had to remind them not to mention her brother or SIL. Not to forward any messages and not to give them our phone numbers, email addresses or mailing address.
Looking back, it wasn’t apparent how bad things were when we were in the middle of it. Now I wish we had cut ties right after we were married.
In my opinion, no amount of family pressure to meet is worth exposing ourselves to the toxicity her brother and SIL could dish out.
Her family wasn’t there when my wife would cry at night after her brother did or said something hurtful. I was.
Her family didn’t work for weeks to cheer her up when her SIL lied to another family member causing an upset. I was.
At the end of the day, members of your family are either going to support you or tear you down. If they don’t support you, they are enemies.
It doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. You can win by simply withdrawing completely.
They win when they upset you. Your despair literally encourages them to continue upsetting you.
Don’t communicate. Don’t give in. But also, don’t hold a grudge. You can forgive someone without falling into the same trap that got you in a bad place.
You have a right to surround yourself with people who will support your goals.
Tell the family members that support you that you appreciate your support. Don’t let anyone make light of their actions.
It doesn’t matter if ‘they had a rough upbringing’ or ‘they have a hard life’. It’s not an excuse, and it’s not a reason to let them get away with it. Lots of people had a “rough upbringing” and a “hard life”, but they don’t tear others down to make themselves feel better. Family members who can’t see this may also be problematic to associate with, because they can’t see the problem.
If you can’t see the problem, you’re bound to contribute to it.
You get to choose who you spend your time with.
You might be related, but you don’t owe anyone control over you.
You are your own person.